Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
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A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
never deleting this app.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
everyone has that one prude friend
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls