The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
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I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
fair
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
me 2 months after i graduated
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.