“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
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i will not be silenced
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
dads on road-trips be like
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should