I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
You Might Also Like
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.