Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
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Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
I never needed anything more in my life
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too