MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
You Might Also Like
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps