Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
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Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
I bet birds love this building.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Effort made
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!