If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
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My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.