In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
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Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
*cough*
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte