I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
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(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
dutch is not a serious language
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket