A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
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me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.