I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
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Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Just had my nails done!
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
WHO DID THIS?
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises