All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
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I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
“Sheer Arrogance”
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.