[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
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[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
my fav colour is also hitler
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.