911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
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I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
i want the dreams to chase me for once
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
I’m having an out of money experience.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer