You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
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I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me: