Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
You Might Also Like
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”