Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
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Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
what could possibly go wrong?
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”