im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
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Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Lassie, get help!
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Lmaoo 😂
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫