longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
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PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.