Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
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So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Body by sandwich.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂