I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
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What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.