No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
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When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
それは草
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
“our sushi is very fresh”
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.