So sick of all these stupid rules
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Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
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GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.