Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
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hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.