I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
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Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.