*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
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My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Every. Damn. Time.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
how high up are we talkin’?
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
I’m not proud
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.