Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
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My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”