Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
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ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
my dog when i have a friend over
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.