Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
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Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.