Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
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My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Love is always patient and kind.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Come back with a warrant
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN