I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
You Might Also Like
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
ouch
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”