therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
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Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.