I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
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“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose