I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
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A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both