Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
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That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house