Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
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*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.