I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
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If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
This could’ve been an email.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
philosophical skeletons be like
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig