Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
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Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I can also cook 😂
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Bond. Trauma bond.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Pickled cat.
I think they could have phrased this better
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.