I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
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Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
I love it all
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.