“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
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Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
“Huge”.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
New favorite tiktok
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.