The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
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You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so