*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
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A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Stop it! 😂
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
bad news gang
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Basketball
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.