If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
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[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Blew my mind.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.