WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
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My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
fly smarter, not harder
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.