GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
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Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
seems fine
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn