Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
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He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything