Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
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I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.