What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
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Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it