Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
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likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Oh hi lol
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing